Healing time in Amsterdam and the 2nd whipple anniversary.

I am the luckiest girl in the world and today is my one year anniversary since my 2nd whipple revision surgery! May 2, 2012! one year ago today I was laying in a hospital bed – getting ready for an 11 hour surgery to unblock my pancreatic duct. It had become blocked w scar tissue and I was almost unable to eat anything without horrible pain so i just didnt eat! And not eating is just not an option when I am trying to kick cancers ass. I need all the sustenance and strength I can muster for this fight.

Cancer has made my life better in ways I could never have imagined. I have been blessed to hear stories of courage, loss and survival from other people all around the world. Everyone wants to share their pain with me. I am so honored to be the receiver of their tragic stories and their happy ones. I feel so important – like the keeper of a precious secret or the holder of a priceless gem that someone has entrusted to my care. Thank you for sharing your personal pain with me.

Cancer has been a crazy struggle. Since 2007, I have endured two whipple procedures and painful shots monthly of sandostatin to keep the tumor on my mesenteric artery from growing. It hasnt grown at all since my last whipple revision surgery on May 2, 2012. I am staying here in amsterdam for three weeks with no shows. Its strange being here in europe alone. I couldnt have done this without the help of some very generous benefactors who paid my bills at home this month, and gave me access to a beautiful place to say for free! This generous gift is giving me the financial freedom I need right now so I can concentrate on healing. My friend Joris Van Wijngaarden organized my injection this month. The doctor will actually come here to the silodam to administer my shot personally!! I am so blessed by so many who care about me and my health. Sometimes I cry just from the sheer beauty of it. Sometimes I cry because I am weary of waking up in pain.  Sometimes I cry because I am so lucky to still be here when so many of my friends have lost their fight. I wake up wondering if I will have a day without vomiting or having horrible cramping and diarrhea. Sometimes I make it — I race to the toaster – throw the bread in — and wait. Those are good mornings when I can eat my toast before I vomit. Those are good mornings when I can leave the beautiful apartment I stay in without having to worry about the runs or the painful cramping – making me a prisoner, chained to the loo. I wait and see what my body has planned for me before I make my own plans. Will I be able to ride my bike today along a beautiful canal? or will I be trapped here – watching the swans and the water from my window? Either way, the day is beautiful and I am grateful whether I am staying in all day and looking at the boats on the water, or whether I am able to bike around these cobblestone  streets. To still be alive and strong enough to ride my bike, is truly a miracle. I have lost so many others to this terrible disease. I feel so grateful to be able to see a swan float by or hear a band off in the distance. To get on my bike and ride to the store like a real amsterdammer. 

Some days I am just chained to the loo. My digestive issues are so fragile and strange. Staying close to my bathroom and ordering food in is sometimes all i can do. 

so to celebrate my 2nd whipple anniversary- I will order some sushi in, and be grateful that I am still alive and healthy enough to enjoy it. I rejoice in my healthy body and each little digestive issue is just a pebble in the road. I can easily jump over the pebbles in my path because I am a super hero. I am a fighter. I am a stubborn bitch who refuses to allow stupid cancer to rule my life. I refuse to let cancer stop me from doing what I love.

I refuse to let stupid cancer derail my plans and dreams. Dont let unexpected illness or any other hardship derail YOUR dreams. Dig deep inside you for your own power to fight any obstacle in your path. God or the higher power, or the universe has already given you all the tools to succeed. YOU can do this and I am doing it with you. I am a magnet and a mirror for love, success and good health and I reflect back to you all the same blessings and all the guts you need to get thru any burden. YOU CAN DO THIS and I CAN TOO!

 

. Its the st